Would You Survive if Zombies Took Over the World?
With so many zombie movies out these days, it’s pretty hard not to wonder what you’d do if an apocalypse actually occurred.
This post is for all of you who have ever shrieked, “CHOP OFF HIS HEAD!” or “NO, not the basement, go for the roof!” at the movie screen and insisted that you could do better than the poor, doomed characters who stumbled to their death . . . er, undeath. Find out EXACTLY how to survive in the case of a zombie invasion.
Here’s one of the biggest zombie shows (or possibly the ONLY show) around:
Zombies can’t climb. So it’s in your best interest to learn this skill, preferably before you have a pack of brain-craving undead on your tail. Urban climbing is going to do you a lot more good than rock climbing since most people seem to need to escape in the city and there’s nothing like scaling a skyscraper to get away from the stinking masses.
- Build Your Own Weapons
While the local gun shop might seem like a good idea, you’ll notice that these places are usually locked up during zombie attacks. Plus, if your gun jams, you need to know how to whip up your own flamethrower in ten seconds flat.
Other useful weapons include machetes, axes and machine guns. Just make sure you know how to sharpen any blades.
- Drive Without Flipping Your Car
Entirely too many people flip their vehicle when attempting to drive through zombies . . . usually this happens because the driver is too afraid to run over his or her spouse/child/neighbor/priest, zombified or not.
While it’s not recommended that you go around practicing this skill by running over people, you could do it with crash test dummies. The trick here is to ignore the fact that it’s a loved one drooling blood at you, keep your eyes open and gun it. Go straight, don’t even THINK about swerving or you’ll just end up in the ditch, zombie food.
In other words, practice your defensive driving skills.
- Run Really, Really Fast
There are two types of zombies. The old-school bumbling, slow ones and the newer jerky fast ones. It really doesn’t matter which type you get, they always catch you in the end.
That being said, running is still a good skill to have because if you can outrun other slower mortals, the zombies will usually stop to eat them first, thus giving you more time to utilize your other skills, such as scaling a building or quickly putting together an Uzi.
Start practicing now . . . it can take months to get in optimum running condition and you’ll need all the lung capacity you can get.
- Bricklaying and Masonry
If you plan to survive for a long period of time, you’re going to need to hole up somewhere. Just about every place that is worth hiding out in is gonna have entrances, so it’s a good idea to learn how to build a proper wall out of brick and mortar . . . or even better, concrete block.
This is a skill that will serve you well anyway and in the case of a zombie attack, you’ll be able to block up extra doors and windows to make any house or warehouse or even a mall an easier place to defend. Just make sure you have a good supply of concrete and bricks INSIDE since you won’t want to venture out once the apocalypse has started.
- Grow Your Own Food
Also in the category of long term survival, you’re going to need to learn how to grow your own vegetables. Without them, people tend to get scurvy and that’s just not pretty. Well, compared to the zombies, it’s not that bad, but still.
Since fresh everything will turn to putrid slime within a week or two of electricity going out, you’ll either have to keep going out to gather canned and dried goods, or plant a garden and look at getting a few chickens and maybe a goat or cow. Two, preferably, so you can always breed them later.
In case you hadn’t noticed, just wandering around in the event of a zombie uprising is a bad idea.
If you want to get around and get the stuff you need, like gas, food and medicine, it’s very important to be good at sneaking. You’ll be able to slip around the mumbling crowds of blank-eyed dead and they’ll never know you’re there. You might want to become familiar with the sewers in your area, since they are an excellent way to sneak around the larger groups of undead.
A tip here, watch out for straggler zombies, they tend to alert the others to your mistakes.
Inevitably, if you reach a helicopter, the pilot is either going to be dead or a zombie and you’ll need to shoot him in the head. Which leaves you without a pilot to get you to the military base where they have the big ammo.
You have two options here:
Option One: Take helicopter flying lessons. These are expensive, but it guarantees you’ll be able to get above the nasties and find a safe haven, provided you don’t run out of fuel before you discover a zombie-free zone.
Option Two: Get a flight simulator. These aren’t guaranteed to give you the skills necessary to fly a real helicopter, but if you’re on a budget, it’s a good way to go and chances are you’ll be able to get up off the ground.
The choice is yours.
- Morse Code
What do you do if you’re on the top of one building and another survivor is a whole six blocks away? How do you communicate and set up an escape plan together?
If you don’t have binoculars, things could get pretty tough. That’s why you need to learn Morse code long before this happens. You can use lights, white sheets or sound to convey this handy code that has been used for decades and zombies aren’t smart enough to decipher it.
Other uses for Morse code include:
– Playing long distance chess games
– Asking what the other person is having for lunch
– Finding out how many weapons you have between you
– Communicating love letters with the only female (or male) survivor in the city
- Medical Skills
Doctors are the first to go in any epidemic. Just imagine millions of bitten people heading into the hospitals and then turning into zombies . . . yeah, so medical staff will be non-existent. You might want to brush up on your first aid skills, but for long term, you’ll need other knowledge.
For example, it’s pretty handy to know what type of antibiotic is best for treating different types of infections. It’s also good to know how to give injections and deliver a baby (it’s amazing how many pregnant women there are at any given time, even in an apocalyptic situation). If no one will let you practice on them, find a farmer and get in on the whole DIY vet scene to learn the basics. It’s pretty much the same for humans.
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